Posts Tagged ‘snarky’

Saumil’s Guide to Stupid ValleySpeak: Touch Base

June 29, 2008 2 comments

N00bs to this blog, check out the rest of the valleyspeak series here:

This one isn’t Valley specific, but oh well. I’ve spent several years walking around office hallways and cubos and overhearing people saying, “Let’s jump into a conference room and touch base”, or “My crack dealer and I are touching base at the street corner tonight, want to join?” and it has been getting to me.

As far as I understand it, touch base == call or meet someone irrelevant about something immaterial. No one or nothing is being touched (at least I hope not). And whose base is this anyways? Why is there a base involved in the first place? Is anyone climbing a mountain?

So why the hell do we keep using it?? “Touch base” is yet another example of corporate America’s slow but continuous emasculation and withering of plain, simple, understandable English.

I only wish Hemingway were alive so he could get into a cagefight with anyone who’d dare to use the phrase in his presence. Now that’s a fight I would pay to watch on HBO.

Welcome to the real world, Starbucks! Free WiFi! What’s next? Cheap coffee?

The yuppie in me LOVES Starbucks. But that other guy – who left home at 15 to be self reliant ever since and has held down a job since seventeen – HATES it.

One of the worst features of Starbucks is the paid WiFi. What were they smoking? 30 dollars a month for WiFi, especially after I just lost an arm and a leg paying for cinnamon crapola latte? Get the f outta here!

I welcome their entry into the real world with “free” WiFi. Well done, guys.

Here is the full story.

Categories: life, snarky Tags: ,

Saumil’s Guide to CorporateSpeak: Internalize

October 12, 2007 1 comment

I heard this one for the first time in 2005. Aaah, those days. I was a little bitty fresh-faced Stanford grad, a boundless optimist who was unofficially known as “Miss Congeniality” for boundless, naive, annoying optmism.

I was in a conference room with a bunch of engineers when the presenter walked into the room and requested for us to “internalize” the information that was about to be presented. My first thought- huh? WTF?

But on to the business at hand:

Internalize: Verb

Definition: Create an intense memory burn of the corporate presentation at hand. Commit to heart and soul. To internalize is not just to understand but to, well, internalize. For example, a CEO may say to her engineers, “Do you engineers remember your first kiss? Do you remember how intense the experience was? Of course you do – you waited 23 years for it! Anyhow, I want you to internalize this product roadmap like you’ve internalized that memory.”

An internalization is usually followed by a follow-on email that requests further commitment. Most corporate internalizations are known to last about three days.

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Which morons funded Zlango?

September 29, 2007 2 comments

If you are a huge web geek, there are few tidbits that are as juicy as the leak of Zlango’s funding presentation on Venturebeat yesterday. What I saw and read probably rivaled the leak of Fake Steve Jobs’ real identity as some random-white-guy-author. What I read and saw was so goddamn hilarious, I have a hard time believing that its true. But you know what? I don’t particularly care. I’m just going to pretend that it is as real as MySpace pedophiles.

If you haven’t yet hear, Zlango has a system whereby users can send icon-based SMS (I’m obviously paraphrasing and glossing over some details but I couldn’t bring myself to really learn about something so goddamn stupid). Here is a great example of their picture messages – but what it makes it extra extra special is the fact that the example was pulled from the company’s VC pitch. Wow! And the final kicker – these guys are backed by Accel and Benchmark. Just amazing.

Just unbelievable. Now that I’ve seen this, I’ve got no reason to complain about some of the more ridiculous me-too companies I saw last week at Health 2.0 (that rant reserved for a different post).

Don’t take my word for it, though – check out the presentation. And be prepared to laugh your ass off.

For additional snarky commentary, see here

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