Nobody said being fat was easy. It takes hard work, dedication and a real willingness to chow down. Sometimes, it even takes losing Facebook friends, as I tried to articulate here.
But what if you want to shake off a few pounds? Would you do the “right” thing and hit the gym five days a week? Would you sacrifice that nice helping of Krispy Kreme and pick up a carrot instead? Hell No! You, Sir/Madam are an American. You need a pill, a fix, a way to manage this, a way to ease out of it, a way to just get it done as of yesterday. You need a Diet Coke, a Coke Zero, which of course tastes the same as regular Coke which of course is, if you believe the commercials, the easiest way to get laid and become cool.
Well, the fun’s over, punks. A new study (which I will tout as usual without regard to actual science or the details, natch) shows that hitting the diet Coke may make you fat! Say it ain’t so! First it was your friends – now its the diet Coke! What has the world come to?
My already marginal audience has converted into an identifiable niche; fat geeks.
Since I personally don’t believe in judging people (preferring instead to feel superior to others in silent fashion), I won’t put thoughts in your head. Here is the proof in the pudding. Hehe, I said pudding in reference to fatties. Get it? Get it??
Oh lord, the sky has officially fallen on our heads! “Groundbreaking” new research proves that obesity spreads from friend to friend, much like the cholera virus that annihilated entire cities back in the day. Back then, the outcome was gruesome death; nowadays the outcome is Kirstie Alley.
Nonetheless – your friends can make you fat! That got me thinking – what does this mean in a Facebook-Twitter-JustinKan-driven age, in a time when my friends aren’t just physically close to me but available all the damn time over some form of social networking? Why couldn’t we just take advantage of Facebook’s vaunted f8 platform???!
Facebook App: Fat Friend Tracker.
Hear me out before you get mad at me. First off, make it a rule to never add a friend who doesn’t have this app installed. The app is simple yet intrusive; disgusting yet funny. It requires users to enter a daily weight and publishes that weight to the users’ social network. If a user fails to enter in a weight on a particular date, it auto-assumes weight gain since you must have been hitting the cheesecake. Finally – if your weight passes a particular threshold (say, BMI of 19; I know, I’m a dirtbag) – your friends have the ability to mock you using an anonymous wall. Example snarky statements such as “Thanks for making the entire country of Somalia starve” will be provided as canned insults.
I think it’s a winner! What do you think?? Leave me a comment and tell me if I’m way off here 🙂