After many years of pooh-poohing the whole Facebook thing, I finally caved and joined recently. I knew that my subscription to Facebook would result in one of two things:
- Supreme addiction of the kind my sister and other crazies exhibit
- A tendency to look down upon all serious Facebook users and desperate attempts to feel superior to them.
So far, bullet 2 is winning big. My first observation: Facebook profile photos are like those studio-taken high school photographs. Every uggo and their mom looks great in them. But they’re not fooling me. Ohhh no! I’ve known some of these people for years, and I’ve seen them “in real life”, warts and all. I’ve seen them sans fancy shirt. I’ve seen them minus the chic San Francisco club dance floor in the background. Hell, I’ve seen them hunched over a trash can by the side of Rudy’s sick over one too many shots of tequila.
Just once – once – I’d like one of my Facebook friends to step up and put on a real photo, one that catches them farting, ogling at some girl, sweating from a nominal run or something more embarrassing. Have some gumption, fools! Or at least be a cowering fella like me and leave a big, ugly, blue question mark in place.
Oh lord, the sky has officially fallen on our heads! “Groundbreaking” new research proves that obesity spreads from friend to friend, much like the cholera virus that annihilated entire cities back in the day. Back then, the outcome was gruesome death; nowadays the outcome is Kirstie Alley.
Nonetheless – your friends can make you fat! That got me thinking – what does this mean in a Facebook-Twitter-JustinKan-driven age, in a time when my friends aren’t just physically close to me but available all the damn time over some form of social networking? Why couldn’t we just take advantage of Facebook’s vaunted f8 platform???!
Facebook App: Fat Friend Tracker.
Hear me out before you get mad at me. First off, make it a rule to never add a friend who doesn’t have this app installed. The app is simple yet intrusive; disgusting yet funny. It requires users to enter a daily weight and publishes that weight to the users’ social network. If a user fails to enter in a weight on a particular date, it auto-assumes weight gain since you must have been hitting the cheesecake. Finally – if your weight passes a particular threshold (say, BMI of 19; I know, I’m a dirtbag) – your friends have the ability to mock you using an anonymous wall. Example snarky statements such as “Thanks for making the entire country of Somalia starve” will be provided as canned insults.
I think it’s a winner! What do you think?? Leave me a comment and tell me if I’m way off here 🙂