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The Mystery Behind Bush’s Baked Beans

August 26, 2007 4 comments

Do you get the sense that Bush’s Baked Beans has an advertising budget larger than Anheuser-Busch? I have TiVo and I still can’t escape the commercials featuring that fat bald man and his talking dog.

The gist of the commercials is as follows: the dog wants to steal the “secret family recipe” so he can sell it on the market much like an art thief pawning off a Rembrandt. Of course, this is pure unadulterated horseshit. First off, baked beans are beans mixed with sugar; there isn’t really a “secret” to it, assholes. Secondly, even if there were such a recipe, what jackass out there is looking to start a baked beans business on the back of pilfered recipes?

Which brings me to my final point. Have you ever – I mean ever – seen anyone come up to you and say, “I think I’ll go out and buy a fucking gallon of baked beans”? I sure as hell haven’t. I lived in the Midwest for four years and have been in Cali for the past four and I’ve never heard anyone list baked beans as their favorite food. Except for my Pops.

You see, the Brits (and by extension, the Indos) love baked beans. We eat them by spreading them on pieces of toast and sprinkling cheese on top. We love ’em.

But that market sure as hell isn’t big enough to justify all the retard commercials. Does anyone know the answer? Please share if you do 🙂

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Categories: baked-beans, baldness, life