Saumil’s Guide to stupid ValleySpeak: Cycles

Why do Silicon Valley types find it so necessary to inject ridiculously lame software/hardware terminology into everyday conversation? Is it not enough to obsess over algorithms during our morning showers? Does it leave a void if we can’t accost a poor sap to discuss the joys of being a chirp-chirp status update robot?

When ordinary, unpretentious people in Indiana need to get shit done by their employees, the conversation is very simple.

Boss: “Employee #x, I need this shit done. Now. Drop everything else”. [Employee doesn't even respond, gets on it].

But that would way too normal for the Valley. What’s the point if you can’t talk about clock cycles? We’ve got to pull bullshit like, “Hi Karen, what do your cycles look like for the next month?”. Fellas! Remember, when you ask a lady about her monthly cycles in a hallway conversation, she may slap you. With good reason.

Same goes for begging for “bandwidth” when a project is important. People’s time is not a dumb pipe. This shit has got to stop.